Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
