She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
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