my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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