I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I think I just sharted jello shots
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