I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
