Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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