The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
