For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
