Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
