can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
