his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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