If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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