did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
I'm passing your future prison.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
