I can tuck mytits in my pants
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
