I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
