If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
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