On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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