I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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