there's paper in my vomit.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
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