new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Randomize
