I didn't shave. On purpose
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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