It doesn't have to be a walk of shame...just pretend he took you to breakfast.
No one shows this much boob at breakfast
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
Randomize
