I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
There was a lot of him and a little penis
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
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