Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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