The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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