He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
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