his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
you mean i was at the winter classic?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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