Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
