Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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