We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
