I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
