I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
The appetizer at the dinner I went to tonight was Klonopin and a Bloody Mary.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
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