I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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