Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
