so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
