turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
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our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
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I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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