i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
