Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
