Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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