just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
