I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
