I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
Moan for me like Helen Keller
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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