My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize