I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
