My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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