Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
