Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
