It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
