I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
why does every cop we meet know your name?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
