i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
