i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
