I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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