I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
That's why you need to have them together. Katie started crying on the couch and she just gave her a tube of crackers and picked up a beer at the same time. She's like a goddess of making things chill
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
