Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize