I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
Randomize
