I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
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