Fine. I'll sleep in my office
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
