a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
