it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
Randomize
