the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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