Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
