Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
