Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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